Wrestling with GRACE!

I received this email below recently and loved the story of grace. I asked this person to share her email, because I think so many of us could relate to “wrestling with grace.” I hope that her story inspires you and frees you!

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I started listening to your sermon on “Questions for God: What is the purpose of my life?” (I’m sure you know the one…the philosophical one that seems totally bizarre at first) tonight at 7pm and just now finished wrestling with it enough to not be upset (thank God I don’t have school tomorrow!).  If you don’t want to read on, that is completely fine, it’s super long. But my world went from completely confused & angry to “Oh my goodness…I’ve been doing it all wrong” in a 6 hr time span!

I got done listening to that sermon and I thought “Oh great. Now what am I supposed to do? I’m frustrated, I’m terribly confused, I’m scared, I’m angry with God, I’m angry with Kendrick (forgive me…) for shaking my relationship with God and tearing apart everything I thought I knew…”  I felt completely hopeless… like I had nothing to offer….that I was just one in a billion people on earth and he doesn’t really care about me or what I’ve done. He just doesn’t want me to screw up his name.”

I wrestled with this for hours and hours.  And then something came over me.  I realized that this is the WHOLE POINT!  To get off my high horse and realize that I DON’T have anything to offer. There is NOTHING I can prove.  I DON’T have anything unique to offer God.  He DOESN’T need me.  He DOESN’T care about what I’ve done…..BUT….He does have something to offer me.  And I sure need him.  And I care about what he’s done in my life.  Everything was all about me and proving to him that I was worthy.  But he doesn’t care about that b/c what good is it doing him?  When I turned it around I was overwhelmed by an incredible sense of humility.

I realized …this is what it’s all about, right?!?! Realizing that I don’t need to prove anything or take certain actions.  I’ve been doing it wrong my whole life! I’ve been trying to show him that I’m good, and just, and yes I screw up but I ask for forgiveness, and I help others, and I try to do good, and blah blah blah….who cares, right? That is ALL about me and trying to prove that I am worthy, when in fact, I AM NOT! And he knows that, and yet is willing to let me have it anyway?  I DON’T deserve to know him. I DON’T deserve his love or grace or forgiveness.  I DON’T deserve his kingdom.  And yet, HE ALLOWS ME TO FREELY HAVE IT?!?! And why would he NOT do it for his own glory? Who else is he going to do it for? Us sinners down on earth who betray him and lie to him and reject him?  And if he didn’t love himself the most or glorify himself the most, then why would we?  We follow God’s lead. So if he loves himself the most, then WE love him the most.  If he glorifies himself the most, then WE glorify him the most.

If he loved Coach K more than he loved himself, then WE would all love coach K more than him…and we would want to be like coach K instead of him…and we would all want to spend eternity in K-ville instead of heaven. While that would be the next best option [ :-) ], God doesn’t trick us like that! He’s not being selfish; he’s acting as an example for us! We love as he loves, glorify as he glorifies, etc. And he has to be worried about me screwing up his name. Not because he’s selfish, but because when I tamper with his name, I’m ruining other people’s chances at knowing him and getting satisfaction through him. So because he protects his name, he’s actually doing ME a favor and protecting me from other people! WOW!  I dont’ know if I am completely on target here…but my world has just been rocked…..